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Fic: Crossed Frequencies (Crack!fic - G) - millarific
millarific
millarific
Fic: Crossed Frequencies (Crack!fic - G)

Title: Crossed Frequencies
Author:

millari
Characters: Baltar, Gaeta, implied Bill Adama, implied Paulla
Pairing: none
Genre: Crack!fic
Wordcount: 1,286
Rating: G
SPOILERS: Through "The Road Less Travelled"
Warnings: none, unless goofiness counts
Summary: It all started with a simple cease and desist order...

 

Beta:Thanks to

_usakeh_ . Also, thanks to  daybreak777 and wyrdwritere for contributing fun ideas.
Author's Note: Written for the Memo Challenge over at thearchive2 and encouraged by the lovely projectjulie

 

Crossed Frequencies: A Memo Fic


To:
Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14
From:
Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC

Re: Use of Colonial frequencies

Dear Dr. Baltar,

It has come to our attention that you have been using Colonial military frequencies in an unauthorized manner in order to broadcast transmissions of a civilian and religious nature. This is expressly forbidden by Colonial Military Code 135.34.c, which regulates the use of all military communications channels.

This memo serves as an official warning to cease and desist your use of Colonial frequencies. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Sincerely,
Lt. Felix Gaeta


**********

To: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC
From: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14 

Re:
Your memo

Dear Mr. Gaeta,

I wasn’t aware that the very air itself has been co-opted by the Colonial military and its self-appointed aristocracy. You can tell your elitist masters that I will continue to do everything in my power to bring His holy message to the people.

Speaking of which, I heartily invite you to attend one of my services. I think you might find my message of hope rather enlightening.

Yours in peace and godly perfection,
Dr. Gaius Baltar


***********

To: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14
From: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC

Re: A message from the Admiral

Dear Dr. Baltar,

Your message has been duly passed on to the Admiral. He chose not to dignify it with a response, but reminds you to discontinue using Colonial military frequencies for your religious broadcasts, or else suffer the consequences.

I also took note of your invitation to attend one of your services. Frankly, I would rather take a long walk out a short launch tube.

Sincerely,
Lt. Felix Gaeta


**********

To: Lt. Felix Gaeta
From: Dr. Gaius Baltar

Re: A message from the Admiral

Lieutenant,

Kindly pass on to the Admiral that I do not appreciate being threatened, no matter how obliquely.

On a more personal note, I’d like to mention that I noticed a sliver of unresolved awkwardness at the end of your last communiqué and, honestly, I find it rather mystifying.

Surely you understand by now that the One True God has taught me the blessing of forgiveness? I harbor no bitterness towards you and the horrible lies you told about me at my trial.

Again, I urge you to consider attending one of my services.

Hope to see you there,
Gaius Baltar


**********

To: Gaius Baltar
From: Felix Gaeta

Re: Excuse me??

Dr. Baltar,

You have a lot of frakking nerve offering me forgiveness. For anything.

Remember that “butterfingers” crack you made about me at your trial? Believe me, were we ever alone in the same room again, I wouldn’t miss.

Lt. Felix Gaeta


**********

To: Felix
From: Gaius

Re: Your soul

Felix, Felix, Felix:

You’ve got to let go of this anger. I really do think some spiritual counseling would do wonders for your soul. God has a plan for you, Felix. I’d be more than pleased to talk about it with you.

Or perhaps you would feel more comfortable talking to a spiritual mentor in our congregation? Someone familiar? Mr. Tyrol is now attending our services. I could speak to him for you.

Sincerely,
Gaius
 

**********

To: Gaius
From: Felix

Re: Have you lost your frakking mind?

Spiritual counseling? Are you serious? Listen, I’m not interested in your imaginary god and cult of sex groupies, your freak show meetings, or your supposed concern over my non-existent soul. I’m an atheist. You were too, remember?

And I’m definitely not interested in talking with ex-Chief Tyrol. Have you taken a good look at the man lately? He walks around Galactica these days like a tylium refinery ready to blow.

Thanks but no thanks,
Felix

 

**********

To: Felix
From: Gaius

Re: Pamphlet

Felix,

I was truly saddened by your latest communication (which I noticed you had taken the trouble to write by hand. Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.) This is no way to live, old friend – hanging on to bitterness and mulling over transgressions so long in the past they are no longer worth pondering.

I urge you to take a look at this pamphlet I have enclosed, outlining the tenets of the One True God. I think you’ll find in it an appealing message of positivism. In a few days, I will send round someone from our congregation to help talk you through the bullet points.

Yours in bliss,
Gaius


**********

To: Gaius
From: Felix

Re: Leave me the frak alone

First of all, these memos need to stop. I don’t know why you keep harassing me with this. You never talked to me this much when we were friends.

Secondly, you need to call off that crazy girl Paulla. It was bad enough when she was showing up at my quarters every day wanting to talk about your stupid manifesto. But now since the Admiral posted a Marine guard in front of my quarters, she’s started surprising me on my rounds. She  threatens anyone who comes near me with what she refers to as her “Holy Pipe of Smiting”, and when I called in sick two days ago, she attacked Hoshi in the hallway, calling him “an infidel unworthy to carry the clipboard.”

I cannot believe that even from a distance, you are managing to ruin my life again.

If you are truly as changed a man as you say you are, then will you please call off this demented little campaign of yours and leave me the frak alone?

Felix


**********

To: Admiral William Adama, CIC
From: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC

Re: Request for temporary transfer

Dear Admiral,

I’d like to make it known to you that I would welcome any upcoming duty missions that would take me away from Galactica.

I know this request may come as a bit of a surprise, but I have decided at this moment in my life that I need a bit of a time away. I would be willing to do whatever kind of menial or difficult assignment you have available, as long as I am stationed somewhere far away from Galactica.

What I’m saying, Sir, is that if you need someone to do a long-term electronics repair project somewhere in the Fleet, or maybe harvest algae from a planet going supernova, or if you need someone to plant a nuke in the middle of a basestar, I’m your man.

Thanks in advance,
Lt. Felix Gaeta


**********

To: Felix
From: Gaius

Re: Paulla

Felix,

I am so sorry to hear that my acolyte Paulla got a bit … overenthusiastic in her attempts to bring you into our little fold. She can’t help herself, poor girl. When she feels God’s love coursing through her, there’s really no stopping her. Believe me, I know.  

And yet, despite all of Paulla’s efforts, we have yet to see you at one of our services. 

But I am a patient man, Felix. So is He. We both know you will come round. When you are ready to know His plan for you, you know where to find us.

I’ll be waiting.

Gaius


**********

To: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14
From: Galactica Internal Mail Service

Re: Undeliverable mail

Dear Dr. Baltar,  

We regret to inform you that the recent memo you sent to Lt. Felix Gaeta has been deemed UNDELIVERABLE.

You are receiving this notice because the recipient is unreachable at this time, as his duty status has recently changed to CLASSIFIED. This means that the recipient is currently fulfilling a duty mission on an undisclosed ship for an undisclosed amount of time. We suggest that you try resending your memo upon the recipient’s return to active duty on Galactica.

Sorry for any inconvenience,
Galactica Internal Mail Service


Tags: , , , , ,
Current Location: home
Current Mood: tired tired

62 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
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(Deleted comment)
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for commenting, and thanks again for an excellent beta! You helped me get it to just the right pacing.
etrangere From: etrangere Date: May 6th, 2008 01:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
*dies laughing* awesome!
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for reading!

You know, I kept thinking there was something familiar-sounding about your LJ name, so I ended up going to your journal to see if I could figure it out, because it was starting to bug me. I finally realized that you commented last Yuletide on my ASOIAF fic. Nice to see you again! And I noticed this time that you have a fic journal and write ASOIAF fic of your own, which I totally am going to check out.

Glad you liked.
wyrdwritere From: wyrdwritere Date: May 6th, 2008 01:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
You know, for a simple farm boy, Baltar has certainly mastered the art of the obtusely infuriating memo.
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
He took a class in it at University. :P

Thanks for taking the time to comment on this!
daybreak777 From: daybreak777 Date: May 6th, 2008 02:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Re: Excuse me??

Hee! I shouldn't giggle but I love when my boy gets upset. But poor thing, out of the frying pan and into the fire with the Demetrius. No memo out of there.

Re: Your soul

Felix, Felix, Felix:


Gosh, the man is insufferable sometimes. But funny! "Why are we here?" One day he's going to drive Gaeta totally nuts.

And I will be giggling. ;-)
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for convincing me that this was worth posting. I had a lot of fun writing it.

I do feel sorta bad giggling when Felix gets angry, but it's so fun when he does. For such an earnest guy, he's remarkably adept at the snarky comments. :)

And yes, Gaius is at his most fun (and simultaneously infuriating) when he's being obliviously insufferable.
projectcyborg From: projectcyborg Date: May 6th, 2008 05:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
HEEEEEEEEE! oh Gaeta and his bitter broken heart (I totally tagged this as slash, ha). after the ep, it's great to see *somebody* trying to slap Gaius down! of course, it probably comes as no surprise that I still liked the part about Paulla the best ;P.

(and now I REALLY want someone to write Gaius's One True God pamphlet for the "manifesto" challenge! *hinthint*)
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for giving me such a warm welcome to thearchive2.

Gaius needs regular smackdowns. I'd personally find it immensely satisfying to see Gaeta give him one of them this season. :)

And Paulla was *so* poised to be my favorite new character of Season 4 after the season premiere...until they promptly gave her nothing to do anymore except kvetch after Gaius. I really hope she gets to do more smiting soon. :)
slybrarian From: slybrarian Date: May 6th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, that certainly explains why poor Felix was desperate enough to sign up for a mission with Kara Thrace. Besides, you know, the fact that he seems to have transfered his man-crush from Baltar to Helo...

Anyways, brilliant!
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, I totally agree that Felix sees the opportunity to nurse his man crush on Helo as a silver lining to this less-than-thrilling assignment. :P

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked!
nicole_anell From: nicole_anell Date: May 6th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.
*giggles*
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee! Poor Felix.

Thanks for reading.
beccatoria From: beccatoria Date: May 6th, 2008 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
HAHAHA! This is awesome! XD

Such a great reason for Gaeta to end up on the Demetrius!

Thanks for brightening my day.
millari From: millari Date: May 6th, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the nice comment!

Such a great reason for Gaeta to end up on the Demetrius!

I figured it was a lot more fun than whatever the real reason was.

Glad you liked.
dionusia From: dionusia Date: May 6th, 2008 09:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wonderful! Thanks for sharing. :)

Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.

You'd think his NECK would remember some of that aggressive...penmanship! Hee hee.
daybreak777 From: daybreak777 Date: May 7th, 2008 03:04 am (UTC) (Link)
You'd think his NECK would remember some of that aggressive...penmanship! Hee hee.
Bwahahaha! Penmanship! That's awesome. Now I need me a pen icon!
demonqueen666 From: demonqueen666 Date: May 6th, 2008 11:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think it's indicative of how my mind works that I "aww"d a little at how they dropped the titles and went to first names with a fair quickness :P

I'm not sure what's a more amusing mental image, Paulla following Felix around with her smiting pipe or Felix's palpable desperation in his memo to Adama (boy, does THAT explain a lot).

Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.

*FACEPALM*
millari From: millari Date: May 7th, 2008 02:51 am (UTC) (Link)
I think it's indicative of how my mind works that I "aww"d a little at how they dropped the titles and went to first names with a fair quickness

Yeah, definitely one of my goals for the pacing of this fic was that they would start out rational and formal, but that as it quickly unraveled into craziness, the formality would commensurately devolve into the more and more personal. Glad you enjoyed.

Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.

*FACEPALM*


Isn't blithely oblivious Gaius the funnest thing ever sometimes?
elzed From: elzed Date: May 6th, 2008 11:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Fab. And of course that is the reason Gaeta is on the Demetrius. The poor love had to escape the demented ravings of Baltar and the physical chastisement of his acolytes!

No, but really. Fab.

*grins hugely*
millari From: millari Date: May 7th, 2008 02:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, I certainly like it better than any of the real reasons they'll probably never bother to give us on the show. ;)

So glad you enjoyed. I had a great time writing it.
rose_griffes From: rose_griffes Date: May 6th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee! This was a blast. Aw, poor Gaeta. Nothing like love and forgiveness to make a guy crazy.
millari From: millari Date: May 7th, 2008 03:15 am (UTC) (Link)
I think Gaius' quietly implacable devotion to saving poor Felix's soul is one of those things that for Felix comes under the header, "Be careful what you wish for." :P

I'm glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading. And your icon still cracks me up.
boudiceaborn From: boudiceaborn Date: May 7th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC) (Link)
crack? Nah, this is canon. Totally happened! Hope we get more fleet missives from you soon, I <3 your letters.
millari From: millari Date: May 7th, 2008 03:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Awww....thank you! It totally *needs* to have happened. BSG could use some funny in Season 4. It's been damn bleak so far!
boom_queen From: boom_queen Date: May 7th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Yay!!!!!!

So hilarious. I love how snippy Gaeta is and how smarmy Gaius is. Totally pitch-perfect crack :D
millari From: millari Date: May 7th, 2008 04:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! I'm so glad other people besides me found it as amusing as I found it to write.

And yeah, I totally ♥ snippy!Gaeta. He's been in the spotlight in the last couple of episodes, much to my delight. :D
bookwormsarah From: bookwormsarah Date: May 7th, 2008 08:54 am (UTC) (Link)
*splutters*
Now that explains why Gaeta was on the Kara Thrace Road Trip of Plot. You've caught the voices wonderfully, especially Saved!Gaius. Thank you!
millari From: millari Date: May 7th, 2008 01:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you for the lovely comment! Glad you liked it.

And ooh! Saved!Gaius. I *like* that. I may have to steal it. :)

Btw, your icon is hysterical.
danniisupernova From: danniisupernova Date: May 7th, 2008 01:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
LOL.

your penmanship is more aggresive then I remembered

DOUBLE LOL.
millari From: millari Date: May 8th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it and have not banned me from your flist for complete lack of production of part 2 of your fic. :P You remind me to pick it up again this weekend, and to thank you again for this awesome icon, which as you can see served me especially well for posting this fic.
From: (Anonymous) Date: May 8th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC) (Link)

well done

well done, brother
millari From: millari Date: May 8th, 2008 09:20 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: well done

Thanks, whoever you are! :) Glad you liked it. How did you find it?

anonymousblu From: anonymousblu Date: May 8th, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
This was fabulous! Totally made my day happy! You are a master....
millari From: millari Date: May 8th, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I'm glad I made you day a little brighter.

And ooh! Very up-to-date Gaeta icon!
lola_in_slacks From: lola_in_slacks Date: May 11th, 2008 08:30 am (UTC) (Link)
The image you put in my head of Paulla menacing Hoshi is delightful. I loved her particular brand of unstable in the first ep of the season and so hope they give her more to do in the future. Hopefully involving her Pipe of Smiting.
millari From: millari Date: May 11th, 2008 03:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Excellent! I'm glad you enjoyed the Hoshi joke. And yes, Paulla was so much fun in the first episode of the season, and her relegation to Cult Member #5 has been one of my big disappointments of the season so far. I hope they give her more smiting to do soon too. Just not Gaeta. ;)

Thanks for reading!
raincitygirl From: raincitygirl Date: May 15th, 2008 04:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh man, hysterical laughter here!

Also, hell of a plausible explanation for him being on Demetrius. Gaius Baltar: the only person who makes a trip on a sewage ship with the crazy bitch who tried to kill you seem like a good idea.
millari From: millari Date: May 16th, 2008 01:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
I KNOW, right? Hee!

Thanks for reading.
c_regalis From: c_regalis Date: May 15th, 2008 10:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
*dies*

This is hilarious! :D
millari From: millari Date: May 16th, 2008 01:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! Great icon, by the way. Appreciate you reading.
cynthia_arrow From: cynthia_arrow Date: May 21st, 2008 03:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Fabulous. And totally explains why the frak Gaeta would be on the Demetrius.
millari From: millari Date: May 21st, 2008 01:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! And I know! Because I found it hard why the heck he would go on this mission unless directly ordered to by Adama. Because um, were there not like *three* people on that ship who participated in THE CIRCLE?

I thought they would make more of that, frankly; but no, they just decided to give my poor boy the dramatic spotlight by taking away his leg. :(

Thanks for reading!
falafel_musings From: falafel_musings Date: July 5th, 2008 09:24 am (UTC) (Link)
OMG. Genius. Absolute genius. This is fall off your chair laughing funny, I swear. What a great idea. The structure and baiting tone of the memos, Baltar's piety and Felix's frustration were a hiliarious combination. I was laughing even at the message titles and all Baltars extravagant goodbye signatures. Just perfect. For a crack fic, this was also a great way to rationalise Felix joining the Demetrius mission.

Here are just a few lines that really cracked me up.

Frankly, I would rather take a long walk out a short launch tube.

Re: Your soul. Felix, Felix, Felix:

I’m not interested in your imaginary god and cult of sex groupies, your freak show meetings, or your supposed concern over my non-existent soul.

Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.

She threatens anyone who comes near me with what she refers to as her “Holy Pipe of Smiting”, and when I called in sick two days ago, she attacked Hoshi in the hallway, calling him “an infidel unworthy to carry the clipboard.”

I cannot believe that even from a distance, you are managing to ruin my life again.

She can’t help herself, poor girl. When she feels God’s love coursing through her, there’s really no stopping her. Believe me, I know.


I'm gonna have to read all your fics now. You're so good!
millari From: millari Date: July 17th, 2008 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry to take so long to respond to this! Thanks so much for reading this and leaving such a lovely comment! I have been an internet ghost lately, getting very involved in RL pursuits, hosting friends from Europe, and a multitude of other things with the changeover to summer. So I did not get to this as soon as I wanted.

I had such a fun time writing this, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it too. I sometimes think that Monty Python taught me everything I needed to know about humor: Really, there's a very tiny element of Monty Python-era John Cleese/Michael Palin in the way that Felix gets so very uptight and frustrated at Baltar's totally inappropriate oblivious bliss.

Thanks for reading. I have to go catch up on your journal now. :)
baltimoreandme From: baltimoreandme Date: July 22nd, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is wonderful! I think it's the only epistolary fanfic I have ever seen. Awesome.
millari From: millari Date: July 23rd, 2008 02:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! How nice to get a comment on an old story.

Btw, out of curiosity, I clicked on your journal and was intrigued by the commentaries you have on fan fiction and BSG, particularly your recent post about Cally. Do you mind if I friend you to keep up with those fanfic posts?

Thanks for reading!
mamaboolj From: mamaboolj Date: August 20th, 2008 01:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Here via raincitygirl's rec on Crack Van! This is fantastic. The format is brilliant and the voices spot on. And you tied bits of canon in so wonderfully. Great story!

Edited at 2008-08-20 01:25 pm (UTC)
millari From: millari Date: August 20th, 2008 01:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks so much! I've been recced? *scurries to go look*

Neat! Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for taking the time to comment. I've always thought that Hot Fudge Planet was a think of crackified beauty. :)
62 comments or Leave a comment
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